3 Ways to Keep Conversations Alive in a Relationship
A Shocking Discovery
It took a COVID-19 lockdown with 24 hours of forced togetherness for us to make a shocking discovery about our relationship. And the shameful truth was that we hardly knew about each other even after ten years of togetherness.
Our story
We are a high-flying, globe-trotting pair of software professionals constantly on the move. That we live out of suitcases, hotels, and airports would be an understatement.
Our lives revolve around our grueling work routine, and we unabashedly align our personal and family lives according to it. It gives us a sense of power and makes the microscopic remnants of our personal lives something that needs to be guarded zealously without any interruptions whatsoever.
Yes, holidays and available time on weekends (Yes, we work on weekends also) are sacred to us. We squeeze every bit of the time into having great vacations and lunches and surprising each other with exotic gifts.
Friends, colleagues, frenemies, and relatives envied us as we posted our pictures on Facebook and Instagram. We took turns gloating on every occasion that we were the one-of-the-kind workaholic couple who managed to have a rocking relationship despite the fierce workplace odds stacked against us.
Then, the COVID-19 lockdown came, locking us together for 21 days,24 hours a day. Yes, initially, the first few days were fun; great sex, great food, and freedom from travel. Then the chinks in our armor got exposed.
We found that, to our surprise, we hardly knew each other even after ten years of togetherness. What we knew about each other was the picture we wanted to convey during our brief moments of joy; the happy, go-lucky, fabulous couple who loved living life to the fullest.
Our arguments became more intense, and the tiny cracks in our relationship soon became fissures. Fortunately, we rectified the problem on time, and after making suitable course corrections, our relationship stands on the firmer ground today.
And the critical ingredient our relationship was missing was honest conversations.
The Importance of Honest Conversations
Very often, partners do not bother to strike up an honest conversation despite being together for a long time. The reasons can be manifold, but the common ones can be,
- Living a fast life with no time for each other.
- Maintaining a bubble-gummish happy image on social media.
- Pushing real feelings under the carpet, hoping they will go away.
Unfortunately, the fake utopia does not last long, and the resentment building within the partners explodes one fine day into an acrimonious bitter breakup. The key to preventing this catastrophe is to have real, open-ended conversations with each other that would not only strengthen the relationship but also allow the partners to accept each other as a complete package; the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Here are some ways to keep conversations alive in a relationship.
- Ask open-ended questions.
- Be genuinely interested in the other person.
- Don’t expect your partner to read your mind.
1. Ask Open-Ended Questions
Imagine your loved one asks you this question after a tiring day.
“Did you enjoy your day today?”
Your reaction? You will mumble-jumble either “yes” or “no” and push off. The conversation dies, and an opportunity is lost.
That is why asking open-ended questions is a simple technique that can help you nurture your ability to create better conversations—especially with your partner. For example,
- How did you enjoy the day today?
- In what ways did you go about conducting that negotiation today?
- Tell me about that new business luncheon place you visited today.
And so on.
Asking open-ended questions encourages the person you are conversing with to think deeply and, therefore, to be more engaging because open-ended questions allow the respondent, not the asker, to control the response.
No automatic canned response is involved here as the door for direct connectedness is flung wide open. As a result, the conversations become more vulnerable, deeper, and meaningful.
2. Be Genuinely Interested in the Other Person
Great conversations need genuine curiosity within you. Forced conversations never work.
As a psychologist Todd Kashdan, author of the bestseller book “Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life”, tells us.
“Being interested is more important in cultivating and maintaining a relationship than being interesting. That is what gets the dialogue going. It’s the secret juice of relationships.”
And scientific studies have conclusively proved that curious people have better relationships, connect better, and socialize more. People get attracted to individuals who display curiosity. And when you ask questions, quality also counts.
Do not talk only about yourself. If you only talk about yourself, you are just bragging about yourself and not showing the slightest interest in the other person. Bragging pushes your better half away, making them feel you are increasingly out of their league and outside their reach, plunging them into auto-rejection.
The best conversations begin with showing an interest in the other person, their world, and what they might value.
3. Don’t Expect Your Partner to Read Your Mind
I used to think that if my girlfriend had even an iota of common sense, she would know how I felt deep inside. But I was wrong, and that wrong assumption created resentment inside me.
For example, I remember that day I came from the office with a splitting headache. I was not feeling well, and she had just pushed a shopping bag onto my hands and told me casually, “Honey, go and buy some groceries now. Here is the list.” I did not protest, but deep inside, I felt she should have enquired about my well-being.
Yes, try as we might, humans are not great at reading each other’s minds. Get used to this fact, and do not expect magic to happen. You cannot assume your partner knows your feelings or wants. You are both different human beings and do not share the same feelings, worldviews, or thoughts. So, when in doubt, say it out loud.
Yes, you might argue here; this would lead to conflict, and you do not like conflict. You might think, “I would rather do the damn work and let peace prevail.” You are wrong if you do this. This bottling-up is not peace but escaping from problems, and it will only gradually erode your happiness and, in turn, the relationship.
A healthy relationship is a two-way street; if you do not have any arguments or one side is always directing the traffic, you are riding on a one-way street without any communication. That is not something to cheer about.
Sources and Further Reading
- Kashdan, Todd. (2009). Curious, the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life. HarperCollins.
- Arias, Julia. (2019). How to Create a Loving and Healthy Relationship Through the Power of Coherence, Listening, and Empathy. Independently published.
- King, Richard. (2021). The Importance of Listening, Improve Your People Skills, and Communication in Relationships. Kindle Edition.
- Guzmán, Mónica. (2022).How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times. BenBella Books.
- Tannen, Deborah. (2007). You Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. William Morrow Paperbacks.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2023 Ravi Rajan