Do Christians Have to Forgive and Forget?

Christians are required to forgive but not necessarily to forget. Read on to learn more about what the Bible says about this age-old saying.

We know that forgiveness is an integral part of Christianity. The Lord’s Prayer instructs us to pardon others. However, the term “forgive and forget” does not appear anywhere in the Bible. We are told we must forgive, but there is no direct commandment that we must also forget.

What the Bible Says

God forgives and does not remember people’s sins (Hebrews 8:12). Our human brains are not wired that way. We cannot fully forget when we were traumatized or deeply hurt, even though we have pardoned the perpetrators.

Some scriptures seem to suggest we should forget what has happened in the past, such as:

Forget what lies behind and move forward to what lies ahead (Philippians 3:13-14)
Love keeps no records of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5)

The Bible encourages us to be patient and overlook offenses (Proverbs 19:11). We can choose to extend mercy to people who hurt us. Sometimes starting fresh can restore relationships after betrayal, rejection, or infidelity.

There are situations where pardoning offenders and putting the harm done behind us seems like the best thing to do. However, there are times when forgetting offenses can make us unsafe and vulnerable to more trauma and harm.

Lessons From the Story of Joseph

Joseph grew up as daddy Jacob’s golden child and got an amazing technicolor dreamcoat (Genesis 37). He was the second to last of 12 sons. His siblings were jealous of him for being Jacob’s favorite and for his ability to dream prophetic dreams.

The brothers plotted to kill Joseph and then changed their minds and sold him to some passing merchants. Joseph went through many trials and tribulations, but God was with him. Joseph maintained his integrity and walked with God. He thrived and eventually became the second in command under the Pharaoh in Egypt (Genesis 42-46).

A lot of time passed before Joseph met his brothers again (Genesis 43). Ten of his brothers had come to Egypt to buy grain. They did not realize that the official in front of them was their long-lost kid brother, who was in his late 30s at the time.

Joseph did not immediately reveal his identity and rush into his brother’s arms. He tested them in numerous ways to determine if they had changed before revealing himself. The Bible says that Joseph was harsh to see if the brothers spoke the truth about their family and were not spies. It is likely that Joseph acted the way he did to discover if his brothers had changed and had become men of integrity.

Alternatives to Forgiving and Forgetting

The term “forgive and forget” seems to imply that forgetting is the only choice after practicing forgiveness. In reality, we have several choices.

Showing Mercy, but Remembering the Offence

We forget offenses in the sense that we are not constantly thinking about them and dwelling on the violations against us. However, it is not wise to forget the offense entirely in many situations. If, for example, a friend betrays us by blabbing our secrets, we would be foolish to trust them with private information.

Forgiving but Recognizing the Harm Done

Many people have experienced terrible trauma such as abuse, assault, violation, or exploitation. Offenders may steal and involve victims in criminal behavior. Victims were emotionally and sometimes physically damaged and need to heal from the harm that was done.

One of the first steps to overcoming trauma such as low self-esteem, poor body image, anger, and hurt, is to recognize the harm that was done. We need to face the reality of our experiences to recover from them. We should not minimize our pain but face the full impact of the offense.

Being Wary of Perpetrators

We are wise if we are wary and careful when we are around offenders in the future. Being alert can protect us and the people around us and keep everyone safe from harm.

Withholding Trust Until the Offender Shows They Earned It

Sin destroys trust in relationships. We may choose to allow some people to rebuild our trust in them over time. For example, wives or husbands may pardon cheating spouses but need time to overcome the emotional impact of betrayal. Their hurt and anger make them more vulnerable to being hurt in the future.

Alcoholics and people with other addictions are very difficult to trust. They violate us in many ways such as neglect, abuse, robbery, etc. However, I have seen many people overcome addictions and rebuild their relationships. Addicts do relapse at times and then get back on the wagon. Others will return to their old habits.

Whatever the situation, it takes a lot of time and patience for us to determine whether or not they have conquered their addictions and are trustworthy. We must protect ourselves and our loved ones from harm when deciding whether to have a relationship with offenders. We should take past behavior into consideration. Other people may never be trustworthy. However, there is always hope that they can change in the future.

Setting Conditions and Boundaries on Relationships

People must be accountable for their actions. In order to be safe from future infractions, we often need to set boundaries and consequences if lines in the sand are crossed. We can hold people accountable in several other ways, such as confronting them or pressing charges for criminal behavior.

Refusing to be Manipulated

Controlling and manipulating people will say, “You’re a Christian. You’re supposed to forgive and forget.” Perpetrators want their victims to forget about their hurtful and abusive words so they can continue their damaging behavior. There are times we must remember the past to protect ourselves from harm. Domestic violence survivors must remember the pain and resist the temptation to return to a dangerous situation.

Ending Toxic Relationships

Some toxic people will never change. We may need to stop contact and separate them from our loved ones and ourselves to protect everyone from harm.

Conclusion

Joseph eventually had a joyful reunion with his brothers, parents, and extended family. For Joseph, forgiving and delaying forgetting helped him restore his family relationships.

Christians are required to forgive but not to forget. There are several options after forgiving people other than automatically wiping the slate clean. Using alternate approaches after pardoning people can help keep us safe and restore broken relationships.

Reference

The Holy Bible, New International Version

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2023 Carola Finch